current mood: elated
This morning I read Mark 10:13-31. I was amazed by the sympathy Jesus showed the rich man who lost out in an opportunity to follow Him because his heart held onto his wealth. I identified with that rich man also, for many an occasion has occurred within me that I looked to the Lord with an open heart but my face fell when I had to confront the fact that to follow Him requires a commitment of trust that I find uncomfortable in part due to what I have absorbed of my background of unreliable authority. It warmed my heart to think that Jesus would have had sympathy for me each and every time that has happened, reaffirming that yes He does love me and want what's healthy for me. He has still been accepting of me, regardless of how many times I have turned away. In prayer, I tend to cower in fear at my lack of perfections that love will be taken away from me. This is more how I treat myself, and how I do not expect to be treated kindly since I have so very many times been abused and have suffered. I am working on the coping mechanisms from that abuse that are no longer useful in my life, and stand in the way of my progress such as dissociation and lack of skills in expressing self-protection and useful anger. It is nice to know that my Heavenly Father through His Son Jesus has such a tender and non-abusive heart towards me...something I find comfort in and am thankful for.