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July 13th, 2007 (10:08 am)

current mood: playful

I've suddenly noticed a flash-in-the-pan crush has started to develop in me to a guy I've known for a little while but have had more contact with recently.  I figure I will ignore it, be completely level-headed about it, and let it go because I often get crushes while I'm doing well in college, like I am now...its cause thats another area in my life where I have certain goals and so once I'm doing well with one I want to conquer the next.  Its almost invariably courting disaster because I can't trust myself to not get head-over-heels caught up in relationships whether its a worthwhile one or not, there's still that component in me thats desperate for positive male affection.  I want to be on a better career plain before I start tackling that.  To some degree I wish continuing education as an adult is like a sea voyage such as Darwin's on the HMS Beagle where you are completely out of your usual circumstances and emersed in the gorgeousness of learning and experiencing something fresh that takes up all your energy.  My classes are engaging and challenging enough, but I'm still on dry land in the States and can bump into these things just when I want it all to continue smoothly.  The troubling part is it tends to be that once you tell yourself to ignore something, the more you feel entitled to it.  I think I'm mature enough to handle it though.

I really want to win a Pulitzer and a Nobel Prize for Literature.  Is it impossible to do so by intending to?


July 11th, 2007 (08:29 am)

current mood: elated

This morning I read Mark 10:13-31.  I was amazed by the sympathy Jesus showed the rich man who lost out in an opportunity to follow Him because his heart held onto his wealth.  I identified with that rich man also, for many an occasion has occurred within me that I looked to the Lord with an open heart but my face fell when I had to confront the fact that to follow Him requires a commitment of trust that I find uncomfortable in part due to what I have absorbed of my background of unreliable authority.  It warmed my heart to think that Jesus would have had sympathy for me each and every time that has happened, reaffirming that yes He does love me and want what's healthy for me.  He has still been accepting of me, regardless of how many times I have turned away.  In prayer, I tend to cower in fear at my lack of perfections that love will be taken away from me.  This is more how I treat myself, and how I do not expect to be treated kindly since I have so very many times been abused and have suffered.  I am working on the coping mechanisms from that abuse that are no longer useful in my life, and stand in the way of my progress such as dissociation and lack of skills in expressing self-protection and useful anger.  It is nice to know that my Heavenly Father through His Son Jesus has such a tender and non-abusive heart towards me...something I find comfort in and am thankful for.


July 9th, 2007 (07:00 am)

current mood: repentant

I'm a Christian. This is something I rarely openly state for two reasons: 1. I'm afraid that it will cast doubt upon my ability to evaluate data and situations logically and 2. I'm not very good at being obedient and I'm afraid that through my example I will do more harm than good. I was reading the Bible this morning, Matthew 7:13-28, and praying, and it all stood out at me and so I would like to talk about it. This passage is all about faith. The narrow and wide gates call us to follow not that which is popular but to make stands for what is right even when it is difficult or uncertain. Christians put their faith in the Lord not because He commands us to but because He is faithful. We don't follow blindly. God doesn't ask us to put away our intellects but to refine it with a deeper understanding of how the universe works. He doesn't want blind obedience, He wants a loving relationship of trust, loyalty, and free expression. Its easy to get caught up in the "laws" or expectations we have of ourselves to conform to our faith, but God doesn't want that either. We bear good fruit when we are honest with ourselves, with Him, and with others. You can listen to some preachers and think you have to get all your ducks in a row to be able to spend some time with our Loving Father, or that this preacher or that has the secret phone number of God. These are lies, and when you see the results of them, a people dependent upon a preacher who exploits them rather than a people who are strong in their reliance upon a relationship with God, you can tell that they are lies. No matter what good deeds you do, no matter how much you strive to be a good person, what matters is what you build your heart upon. Do you put your faith in things that erode away, or do you put your faith in a universe built upon love from a loving Father?

What I have learned from this is that I need to put my work into my faith, instead of cowering to a popular image or fearing my own weaknesses.

And so...

July 1st, 2007 (10:04 pm)

current mood: 4.5

The barbecue went great! Shared meaningful moments with friends I hadn't seen for a long while. The young lady came home and announced she DOES want to get her ears pierced. Things altogether have felt slowed down all day, and I have been tired but also restless, but theres also this optimism...a nice wear yourself out kind of Sunday.


June 30th, 2007 (01:47 pm)

current mood: 3

feel a little blasse today, primarily because I didnt get up until the afternoon. But I guess thats what comes of staying up until 4 am. had wanted to devote today to doing little and big things but with the restricted timing i think i should tackle big things first. i wrote a little silly piece about fairies having yard sales that came into my head while i had my first walk of the day, and im proud of myself for continuing to write it even though the phone rang twice and mail came in etc and there was absolutely no finesse in the words i put to screen. None! like when you have a picture in your head thats soft and vibrant and detailed but your fingers just wont comply. to some degree its a bad thing to do that because when you do write it out you are putting some restrictions on how perfect it can get, but the alternative is to lose it and you can do a lot with revising...just not everything. i like the fact i committed it to paper because though what i wrote itself may not be usable it did open a door to another little world i've created which i'd be glad to use later. i find world building to be one of the best parts of writing....so much we lose in our connections to each other and to community when we fail to honor what writing gives us.

boo hoo day

June 29th, 2007 (09:43 pm)

current mood: 2.5

Wednesday was my birthday. I am now 31 :)

My family and I decided to celebrate my birthday today because I was done with this semester's work today (yeah!) and it was somewhat convenient for everybody. It was hard to get everybody together though and there were miscommunications about plans. Plus, the pizza was cold :( So when there were a couple of hours to kill I took the young lady out on her first "city" (more like village) bus ride and took her shopping. We both like to people watch, nature watch, and delve into our own little private worlds so this was fun for us. I also like to have the opportunity to take the bus at those times when I'm disappointed about plans and feel so vulnerable not having my own transportation. I need to know sometimes that there are options. It was totally impulsive, though and that somewhat scares me, but it really worked out.

So at the party, we didn't have much time because the young lady was going to spend the weekend at her friend's house. My cake fell on the floor. We couldn't watch a full movie I wanted to because my nephews were having a hard time. Now I'm home alone, free of all responsibilities...so? I can't wait to do all that housework I missed out on during the semester, but thats tomorrow. There aren't any movies I have that I really want to see now. All I can think of to do is read one of my textbooks for next semester, write, and make those plans for better time management of next semester that you always think about and Lord only knows why but you never make. I really want to make it this time! I end up making hard choices: my body or my grades, my housework or my grades, my writing or my grades. I tend towards straight As and get really disappointed with Bs. I currently have a 3.8. I want it to get higher! Its a big part of my self-esteem to get good grades, prove myself capable and really apply myself, because I am interested in the subjects we cover. But I exert a lot more effort in my work than it seems. I take an extra long time to write papers, etc. I work to get it right. I don't want to do something unless I do a good job of it. Something really has got to give though because I can't keep working on one area and being disappointed in myself that another area isn't where I want it to be. I have so much going for me right now, I just don't want to mess it up.

We'll see how the barbecue goes on Sunday.

By the way, I had a sneeking suspicion today that I'm just going to keep getting older and breaking down...but thats just so silly.

Writer's Block: Who's in your neighborhood

June 18th, 2007 (01:27 pm)

How well do you know your next-door neighbors?

I know them well enough to smile and say "Hello" to them, but that is what I do to nearly everyone when I am in a good enough mood. I guess you could say that I know them well enough to suspect that most are of the human race-- most. There's the Greek pizza guy who flirts a lot, but it may simply be a cultural thing. There's the weird pawn shop guy who never opens his shop until very late at night, and yet he still owns the place and much, much more. His face has a slight look of plastic about it, which sometimes makes me wonder if he had once been in a horrible accident and had reconstructive surgery. There's the local gun shop, with friendly but town-gosip oriented owners. There's the cashier of the local grocery store who always seems to be disappointed in what she is doing. She peers out from behind the cash register like a child hiding from a lion. She paints her eyelids so heavily of blue or purple its difficult to notice the true hazel of her eyes, if they are hazel. Just a small town in which everybody knows everybody else, and so very few people REALLy know aanybody.


March 16th, 2007 (06:57 pm)

current mood: crappy

Feel Crappy. Cant explain why....finally got those letter of complaint to the hospital for how they mishandled my seizure together and ready to go.

daughter is sick with the flu. she's had a fever for two days now and the doc says it may last up to a week. her asthma complicates it so we have to be really careful. I'm feeling tired and snippy, but i know everything will work out for the best, even if my daughter misses out on the regional spelling bee this sunday :( as well as her cousin's 2nd birthday party tomorrow.

i've offered to spend the time prior to the semester starting to babysit my nephew while his daddy has to work and his mommy has to stay 2 hours away with her newborn who is still in intensive care, but doing excellently. i have some second thoughts about this because i need to spend all my spare time writing up two book proposals, which an editor took interest in at a conference i went to in february. family comes first.

all in all, things are going great with rough spots here and there. the biggest deal is that they are going to have to change my anti-d's right before i re start school because now the insurance wont cover it anymore. its the only one i have had consistent success with, so that really sucks. i just dont want my new chance to go back to college ruined due to a stupid med change....just when we got to the most theraputic level! so frustrating.

i'm just so glad to get to go back to college and the success i've been having with my writing. all the little bumps and bruises pale in comparison.

Thanks God!

Better with Age, like a fine whino

March 16th, 2007 (06:57 pm)

current mood: cranky

Your Personality is the Rarest (INFJ)

Your personality type is introspective, principled, self critical, and sensitive.

Only about 2% of all people have your personality - including 3% of all women and around 1% of all men.
You are Introverted, Intuitive, Feeling, and Judging.

I'm unbelieveable!

March 7th, 2007 (09:04 am)

current mood: chipper

The Everything Test

There are many different types of tests on the internet today. Personality tests, purity tests, stereotype tests, political tests. But now, there is one test to rule them all.

Traditionally, online tests would ask certain questions about your musical tastes or clothing for a stereotype, your experiences for a purity test, or deep questions for a personality test.We're turning that upside down - all the questions affect all the results, and we've got some innovative results too! Enjoy :-)

You are more emotional than logical, more concerned about self than concerned about others, more religious than atheist, more dependent than loner, more workaholic than lazy, more rebel than traditional, more engineering mind than artistic mind, more idealist than cynical, more leader than follower, and more introverted than extroverted.

As for specific personality traits, you are adventurious (100%), religious (90%), intellectual (80%), artistic (76%).

Old Geezer83%
Punk Rock73%
Emo Kid67%
Life Experience

Your political views would best be described as Socialist, whom you agree with around 94% of the time.
Your attitude toward life best associates you with Working Class. You make more than 0% of those who have taken this test, and 68% less than the U.S. average.

If your life was a movie, it would be rated PG-13.
By the way, your hottness rank is 55%, hotter than 79% of other test takers.

brought to you by thatsurveysite

Hello Sam...this is your auntie!

February 27th, 2007 (10:20 pm)

current location: home alone
current mood: ecstatic

Late this afternoon my sister, who was having problems with placenta previa, had an emergency Caesarian and gave birth to little Samuel 4 pounds 4 ounces! He was 29 weeks in the womb and his lungs and everything are fairly well developed so, in spite of having to spend time in a hospital 2 hours away from home (sniffle sniffle) the prognosis is he's going to be just fine. Its been a very hectic day...welcome to the world!!!!!!

I cant wait to see him...wonder how soon Ill be able to...

Surprise in the mail

January 23rd, 2007 (12:46 pm)

I wonder if anyone here is aware of child support issues and such here for New Hampshire. I received a surprise in the mail today, that has quite taken me aback, unpleasantly.

The letter was a copy of a child support order that was supposedly in court 3 weeks ago. This final order states that my ex husband was ordered to pay only $50 dollars a month in child support and $10 a month towards what he already owes. He owes more than $12,000 from when we lived in NY and he has only ever paid $50 towards child support since we've lived in NH (about 7 years now). The last time we were in court over support was in 2004, at least that I know about, when the same was ordered for a period of only 6 months until my ex either got a job or got on disability, and as far as I know it was never reviewed...until now. I was never informed that the issue was coming up 3 weeks ago, and this final order states that this is what the order will be in effect until he dies, and payments are suspended until he is off public assistance. The problem is that I'm on disability, and as such my daughter receives public assistance, and so as far as the court is concerned he owes the state, not my daughter. But shouldnt my daughter's rights/advocate be informed if not represented at a preceeding like this?

I'm also frightened because my ex was VERY abusive, and if he was in the area I would like to know. Some weeks ago, I dont remember exactly when, I saw someone in my town that looked like him but I told myself I was just being silly since I hadnt heard from him for at least a couple of years. I'm frightened in part because when we were getting divorced he said he would wait until she was about this age to kidnap her.

Some part of me says, "So what?" I've never thought that she would get any significant support from him, and I really dont care about money but am fairly happy he is no longer apart of our lives. But I feel very very sad for my daughter, who has the issue of a father who doesnt give a damn hanging over her head constantly for all her life.

So he basically never has to pay child support. He never paid but once the last time he was ordered to pay $50 plus $10, and it doesnt sound like this order will be up for review. I think my daughter has the right to expect something from him, but I just feel cut up inside and I have no clue what to do.

its 2007, do you know where your heartbeat is?

January 5th, 2007 (12:48 pm)

current mood: crazy

hi everyone...I'm back from what seems like an extended vacation. Had the Holiday crunch plus puiter illnesses but at least its cured for the moment. Struggling on and off with petty personal issues but actually doing pretty well. Writing seems to be going well despite the fact that its no longer November. NANO was one of the best things I have ever done. Yeah for NANO!

Not quite sure what else to say, but I'm excited for the New Year and hope you are doing well enough to be too :)


November 22nd, 2006 (11:42 pm)

First off, Happy Thanksgiving everybody! I have mixed feelings about the holiday simply because I think everything pretty much taught about its origins is wrong and somewhat offensive, however, the time spent with family and appreciating life for at least one day is a powerful and beautiful thing.

Secondly, I havent been around much cause I've been busy with NaNoWriMo and its been going great! Not exactly where I should be considering how slow I tend to be at writing, but right now Im up to 33500 words out of 50000 which isnt too bad for the end of the third week. Its been a fabulous experience to be forced to trash your inner editor and just do what you love to do, write, no matter how good or bad it is. I'm genuinely surprised at how good it is...I think I may actually be able to make sommething of it after I clean it up a little, but we shal see. To all other NaNOs...great job!

To evertybody else, have fun and stay safe! I have to go back to avoiding writing :)

Dont forget to worship me 'kay? NOT!

November 22nd, 2006 (11:36 pm)

You are The High Priestess

Science, Wisdom, Knowledge, Education.

The High Priestess is the card of knowledge, instinctual, supernatural, secret knowledge. She holds scrolls of arcane information that she might, or might not reveal to you. The moon crown on her head as well as the crescent by her foot indicates her willingness to illuminate what you otherwise might not see, reveal the secrets you need to know. The High Priestess is also associated with the moon however and can also indicate change or fluxuation, particularily when it comes to your moods.

What Tarot Card are You?
Take the Test to Find Out.

I'm not OBSESSED...really....kinda...

November 22nd, 2006 (11:32 pm)

What Kind of Reader Are You?
Your Result: Obsessive-Compulsive Bookworm

You're probably in the final stages of a Ph.D. or otherwise finding a way to make your living out of reading. You are one of the literati. Other people's grammatical mistakes make you insane.

Dedicated Reader
Book Snob
Literate Good Citizen
Fad Reader
What Kind of Reader Are You?
Create Your Own Quiz

black wolf with sparkly silver spots

November 22nd, 2006 (11:27 pm)

What Kind of Wolf Are You?

Black Wolf: Mystical and wise. A symbol of darkness and strength.
Take this quiz!

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What my life we be like if I had a dog...

October 4th, 2006 (09:34 am)

I dont know. I dont have one. Probably not much like this one, or perhaps like this one, only with MORE barking.

As far as my life has been going lately, well Ive been pretty busy with creating and utilizing databases, converting to pdfs (both without proper puter training! yeah!), writing projects, the school play, cooking, etc. My health hasnt been that great, but Ive been keeping on as best as I can, trying to stay as active as I can because the more you slow down the worse it can get. But, actually, Ive experienced a lot of joy even with the pain. So Id say all around pretty good. Not much else to say really.

dont mess with the plush gryphie

September 30th, 2006 (03:35 pm)

current mood: mischievous

Which mythical creature resides in your soul? (11 Results + Pictures)


You are the gryphon! A gryphon is a large creature that is half lion and half eage with immense feathery wings. A gryphon is very fierce and loyal; however, a gryphon also symbolizes independence and freedom. The gryphon is actually multi-facted. The lion half represents ultimate courage, honor, and loyalty. The eagle half stands for independence, freedom, and justice.
Take this quiz!

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Scholarships for the disabled

September 14th, 2006 (09:57 pm)

current mood: contemplative

I thought it might be a good idea to compile a database of scholarships for the disabled, focusing on college students but not exclusively so. If you would like to be apart of this, either to supply information or to receive the final file, look up this post title on creactiv_voice for further instructions.

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